PRINCESS IDA

                               OR

                         CASTLE ADAMANT


                 libretto by William S. Gilbert
                  music by Arthur S. Sullivan


                       DRAMATIS PERSONAE

King Hildebrand
Hilarion (His son)

Hilarion's friends:
    Cyril
    Florian

King Gama

His sons:
    Arac
    Guron
    Scynthius
   

Princess Ida      (Gama's daughter)
Lady Blanche      (Professor of Abstract Science)
Lady Psyche       (Professor of Humanities)
Melissa           (Lady Blanche's Daughter)

Girl Graduates:
    Sacharissa
    Chloe
    Ada

Soldiers, Courtiers, "Girl Graduates," "Daughters of the Plough,"
etc.


                             ACT I

Pavilion in King Hildebrand's Palace

                             ACT II

Gardens of Castle Adamant

                            ACT III

Courtyard of Castle Adamant
                                    ACT I.

SCENE.       Pavilion attached to King Hildebrand's Palace. 
             Soldiers and courtiers discovered looking out through
             opera-glasses, telescopes, etc., Florian leading.

                           CHORUS AND SOLO (Florian)
                       "Search throughout the panorama"

Chorus:      Search throughout the panorama
             For a sign of royal Gama,
                  Who to-day should cross the water
                  With his fascinating daughter--
                        Ida is her name.

             Some misfortune evidently
             Has detained them -- consequently
                  Search throughout the panorama
                  For the daughter of King Gama,
                        Prince Hilarion's flame!
                        Prince Hilarion's flame!

                                SOLO - Florian

Florian:     Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted?

Chorus:                             Who can tell?  Who can tell?

Florian:     Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted?

Chorus:                             Who can tell?  Who can tell?

Florian:     Will she back out, and say she did not mean them?

Chorus:                             Who can tell?

Florian:     If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them!

Chorus:           No, no -- we'll not despair, we'll not despair,
                  For Gama would not dare
                  To make a deadly foe
                  Of Hildebrand, and so,
                        Search through the panorama
                        For a sign of royal Gama,
                        Who today should cross the water
                        With his fascinating daughter--
                        Ida, Ida is her name.

                                            (Enter King Hildebrand with Cyril)

Hildebd:     See you no sign of Gama?

Florian:                            None, my liege!

Hildebd:     It's very odd indeed.  If Gama fail
             To put in an appearance at our Court
             Before the sun has set in yonder west,
             And fail to bring the Princess Ida here
             To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed
             At the extremely early age of one,
             There's war between King Gama and ourselves!
                  (aside to Cyril)
             Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview!
             It's twenty years since he and I have met.
             He was a twisted monster -- all awry----
             As though Dame Nature, angry with her work,
             Had crumpled it in fitful petulance!

Cyril:       But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk
             Often bears goodly fruit.  Perhaps he was
             A kind, well-spoken gentleman?

Hildebd:                                        Oh, no!
             For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue.
             (His "sting" is present, though his "stung" is past.)

Florian:     (looking through glass)
             But stay, my liege; o'er yonder mountain's brow
             Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms;
             And now I look more closely at it, sir,
             I see attached to it King Gama's legs;
             From which I gather this corollary
             That that small body must be Gama's own!

Hildebd:     Ha! Is the Princess with him?

Florian:                                  Well, my liege,
                  Unless her highness is full six feet high,
             And wears mustachios too -- and smokes cigars----
             And rides en cavalier in coat of steel----
             I do not think she is.

Hildebd:                                  One never knows.
             She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd
                  things!
             Come, bustle there!
             For Gama place the richest robes we own----
             For Gama place the coarsest prison dress----
             For Gama let our best spare bed be aired----
             For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn----
             For Gama lay the costliest banquet out----
             For Gama place cold water and dry bread!
             For as King Gama brings the Princess here,
             Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have
             Much more than everything -- much less than nothing!

                         SONG (Hildebrand and Chorus)
                      "Now Hearken to my Strict Command"

Hildebd:          Now hearken to my strict command
                  On every hand, on every hand----

Chorus:                       To your command,
                              On every hand,
                        We dutifully bow.

Hildebd:          If Gama bring the Princess here,
                  Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.

Chorus:                       If she come here
                              We'll give him a cheer,
                        And we will show you how.
                  Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah!
                  Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
                              We'll shout and sing
                              Long live the King,
                        And his daughter, too, I trow!
                  Then shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah!
                  Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!
                  For the fair Princess and her good papa,
                        Hurrah, hurrah!

Hildebd:          But if he fail to keep his troth,
                  Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both!

Chorus:                       He'll trounce them both,
                              Upon his oath,
                        As sure as quarter-day!

Hildebd:          We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell,
                  And toll his knell on a funeral bell.

Chorus:                       From his dungeon cell,
                              His funeral knell
                        Shall strike him with dismay!
                  Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah!
                  Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
                              As up we string
                              The faithless King,
                        In the old familiar way!
                  We'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah!
                  Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!
                  As we make an end of her false papa,
                              Hurrah, hurrah!
                                                                  (Exeunt all)

                             (Enter Hilarion)

                        RECITATIVE AND SONG (Hilarion)
                                "Today we meet"

                             RECITATIVE - Hilarion

             To-day we meet, my baby bride and I--
                  But ah, my hopes are balanc'd by my fears!
             What transmutations have been conjur'd by
                  The silent alchemy of twenty years!

                               BALLAD - Hilarion

             Ida was a twelve-month old,
                  Twenty years ago!
             I was twice her age, I'm told,
                  Twenty years ago!
             Husband twice as old as wife
             Argues ill for married life
             Baleful prophecies were rife,
                  Twenty years ago,
             Twenty years ago!

             Still, I was a tiny prince
                  Twenty years ago.
             She has gained upon me, since
                  Twenty years ago.
             Though she's twenty-one, it's true,
             I am barely twenty-two--
             False and foolish prophets you
                  Twenty years ago,
                  Twenty years ago!

                          (Enter Hildebrand)

Hilarion:    Well, father, is there news for me at last?

Hildebd:     King Gama is in sight, but much I fear
             With no Princess!

Hilarion:                     Alas, my liege, I've heard,
             That Princess Ida has forsworn the world,
             And, with a band of women, shut herself
             Within a lonely country house, and there
             Devotes herself to stern philosophies!

Hildebd:     Then I should say the loss of such a wife
             Is one to which a reasonable man
             Would easily be reconciled.

Hilarion:                     Oh, no!
             Or I am not a reasonable man.
             She is my wife -- has been for twenty years!
             (Holding glass) I think I see her now.

Hildebd:                      Ha!  Let me look!

Hilarion:    In my mind's eye, I mean -- a blushing bride
             All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow!
             How exquisite she looked as she was borne,
             Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms!
             How the bride wept -- nor would be comforted
             Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce
             Administered refreshment in the vestry.
             And I remember feeling much annoyed
             That she should weep at marrying with me.
             But then I thought, "These brides are all alike.
             You cry at marrying me?  How much more cause
             You'd have to cry if it were broken off!"
             These were my thoughts; I kept them to myself,
             For at that age I had not learnt to speak.

                                              (Exeunt Hildebrand and Hilarion)

                             (Enter Courtiers)

                                    CHORUS
                          "From the distant panorama"

Chorus:           From the distant panorama
                  Come the sons of royal Gama.
                        They are heralds evidently,
                        And are sacred consequently,
                              Sons of Gama, hail! oh, hail!

(Enter Arac, Guron, and Scynthius)

                   TRIO (Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus)
                            "We are Warriors Three"

                                  SONG - Arac

Arac:                   We are warriors three,
                              Sons of Gama, Rex,
                        Like most sons are we,
                              Masculine in sex.

All Three:                          Yes, yes, yes,
                              Masculine in sex.

Arac:                   Politics we bar,
                              They are not our bent;
                        On the whole we are
                              Not intelligent.

All Three:                          No, no, no,
                              Not intelligent.

Arac:                   But with doughty heart,
                              And with trusty blade
                        We can play our part--
                              Fighting is our trade.

All Three:                          Yes, yes, yes,
                              Fighting is our trade.

                        Bold and fierce, and strong, ha! ha!
                              For a war we burn,
                        With its right or wrong, ha! ha!
                              We have no concern.
                        Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
                              Order is obey'd,
                        We are men of might, ha! ha!
                              Fighting is our trade.
                                    Yes -- yes, yes,
                              Fighting is our trade, ha! ha!

   THE THREE PRINCIPALS                      CHORUS
Fighting is our trade, ha           
ha!                                 They are men of might, ha! ha!
                                    Fighting is their trade.
                                    Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
                                    Order is obey'd!
                                    Order comes to fight!
Ha, Ha!
                                    Order is obey'd!
Fighting                            Fighting
is.  Yes, yes, yes,                 is
Fighting is our trade, ha           their
Ha!                                 trade!

                           (Enter King Gama)

                              SONG (Gama)
                        "If you give me your Attention"

Gama:        If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I
                  am:
             I'm a genuine philanthropist -- all other kinds are
                  sham.
             Each little fault of temper and each social defect
             In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct.
             To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes;
             And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;
             I love my fellow creatures -- I do all the good I can--
             Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
                  And I can't think why!

             To compliments inflated I've a withering reply;
             And vanity I always do my best to mortify;
             A charitable action I can skillfully dissect;
             And interested motives I'm delighted to detect;
             I know ev'rybody's income and what ev'rybody earns;
             And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns;
             But to benefit humanity however much I plan,
             Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
                  And I can't think why!

             I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be;
             You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee,
             I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer,
             I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer.
             To ev'rybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;
             I can tell a woman's age in half a minute -- and I do.
             But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
             Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
                  And I can't think why!

Chorus:           He can't think why!
                  He can't think why!

(Enter Hildebrand, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian)

Gama:        So this is Castle Hildebrand?  Well, well!
             Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand;
             She told me that your taste was exquisite,
             Superb, unparalleled!

Hildebnd:    (Gratified)            Oh, really, King!

Gama:        But she's a liar!  Why, how old you've grown!
             Is this Hilarion?  Why, you've changed too--
             You were a singularly handsome child!
(To Florian)      Are you a courtier?  Come, then ply your trade,
             Tell me some lies.  How do you like your King?
             Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile.
             Now, that's not true?

Florian:                            My lord, we love our King.
             His wise remarks are valued by his court
             As precious stones.

Gama:                               And for the self-same cause.
             Like precious stones, his sensible remarks
             Derive their value from their scarcity!
             Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once!
             Tell it of me.  Come, come, I'll harm you not.
             This leg is crooked -- this foot is ill-designed--
             This shoulder wears a hump!  Come, out with it!
             Look, here's my face!  Now, am I not the worst
             Of Nature's blunders?

Cyril:                              Nature never errs.
             To those who know the workings of your mind,
             Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book
             Appropriately bound.

Gama: (Enraged)                     Why, harkye, sir,
             How dare you bandy words with me?

Cyril:                                          No need 
             To bandy aught that appertains to you.

Gama: (Furiously)  Do you permit this, King?

Hildebd:                            We are in doubt
             Whether to treat you as an honoured guest
             Or as a traitor knave who plights his word
             And breaks it.

Gama: (Quickly)               If the casting vote's with me,
             I give it for the former!

Hildebd:                            We shall see.
             By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed,
             You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day:
             Why is she not with you?

Gama:                                     Answer me this:
             What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man,
             Who, when he calls upon a starving friend,
             Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes,
             And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes?
             What name have you for such an one?

Hildebd:                                        A snob.

Gama:        Just so.  The girl has beauty, virtue, wit,
             Grace, humour, wisdom, charity and pluck.
             Would it be kindly, think you, to parade
             These brilliant qualities before your eyes?
             Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!

Hildebd: (Furiously)  Stop that tongue,
             Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!

Gama:        Bravo!  Your King deprives me of my head,
             That he and I may meet on equal terms!

Hildebd:     Where is she now?  (Threatening)

Gama:                                     In Castle Adamant,
             One of my many country houses.  There
             She rules a woman's University,
             With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.

Cyril:       A hundred girls!  A hundred ecstasies!

Gama:        But no mere girls, my good young gentleman;
             With all the college learning that you boast,
             The youngest there will prove a match for you. 

Cyril:       With all my heart, if she's the prettiest!
(To Florian)  Fancy, a hundred matches -- all alight!--
             That's if I strike them as I hope to do!

Gama:        Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men.
             He who desires to gain their favour must
             Be qualified to strike their teeming brains,
             And not their hearts.  They're safety matches, sir,
             And they light only on the knowledge box--
             So you've no chance!

Florian:     And there are no males whatever in those walls?

Gama:        None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails--
             And they are driven (as males often are
             In other large communities) by women.
             Why, bless my heart, she's so particular
             She'll hardly suffer Dr. Watts's hymns--
             And all the animals she owns are "hers"!
             The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn--

Cyril:       Ah, then they have male poultry?

Gama:                                           Not at all,
(Confidentially)        The crowing's done by an accomplished hen!

                                 FINALE
             (Gama, Hildebrand, Cyril, Hilarion, Florian
                     and Chorus of Girls and Men)

                          DUET (Gama and Hildebrand)
                       "P'raps if you Address the Lady"

Gama:             P'raps if you address the lady
                        Most politely, most politely--
                  Flatter and impress the lady,
                        Most politely, most politely,--
                  Humbly beg and humbly sue--
                  She may deign to look on you,
                  But your doing you must do
                        Most politely, most politely, most politely!

All:              Humbly beg and humbly sue,
                        She may deign to look on you,
                  But your doing you must do
                        Most politely, most politely, most politely!

Hildebd:          Go you and inform the lady,
                        Most politely, most politely,
                  If she don't, we'll storm the lady
                        Most politely, most politely!

(To Gama)         You'll remain as hostage here;
                  Should Hillarion disappear,
                  We will hang you, never fear,
                        Most politely, most politely, most politely!

All:              He'll [I'll] [You'll] remain as hostage here.
                  Should Hilarion disappear,
                  They [We] will hang me [you] never fear,
                        Most politely, most politely, most politely!
 
(Gama, Arac, Guron and Scynthius are marched off in custody,
             Hildebrand following)

                            RECITATIVE -- Hilarion

                  Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain,
                        To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage;
                  But we will use no force her love to gain,
                        Nature, nature has arm'd us for the war we
                              wage!

                     TRIO -- Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian

Hilarion:                     Expressive glances
                              Shall be our lances,
                                    And pops of Sillery
                                    Our light artillery.
                              We'll storm their bowers
                              With scented showers
                              Of fairest flowers
                                    That we can buy!

Chorus:                                   Oh, dainty triolet!
                                          Oh, fragrant violet!
                                          Oh, gentle heigho-let!
                                                (Or little sigh).
                              On sweet urbanity,
                              Through mere inanity,
                              To touch their vanity
                                    We will rely!

Cyril:                        When day is fading,
                              With serenading
                                    And such frivolity
                                    We'll prove our quality.
                              A sweet profusion
                              Of soft allusion
                              This bold intrusion
                                    Shall justify,
                              This bold intrusion
                                    Shall justify.

Chorus:                                   Oh, dainty triolet!
                                          Oh, fragrant violet!
                                          Oh, gentle heigho-let!
                                                (Or little sigh).
                              On sweet urbanity,
                              Through mere inanity,
                              To touch their vanity
                                    We will rely!

Florian:                      We'll charm their senses
                              With verbal fences,
                                    With ballads amatory
                                    And declamatory.
                              Little heeding
                              Their pretty pleading,
                              Our love exceeding
                                    We'll justify!
                              Our love exceeding
                                    We'll justify!

Chorus:                                   Oh, dainty triolet!
                                          Oh, fragrant violet!
                                          Oh, gentle heigho-let!
                                                (Or little sigh).
                              On sweet urbanity,
                              Through mere inanity,
                              To touch their vanity
                                    We will rely!

Sops:        Oh dainty                    Altos, Tenors, and Basses:
             triolet! Oh fragrant                     Oh
             violet! Oh                               dain-
             gentle                                   ty
             heigh-o-let! (Or                         tri-
             little                                   o-
             sigh).                                   let!

Hilarion & Cyril:                         
             Oh dainty                    Chorus:
             triolet! Oh fragrant               Oh
             violet (Add Florian) Oh            fra-
             gentle                             grant
             heigh-o-let! (Or                   vi-
             little                             o-
             sigh).                             let!

Sops & Altos:                             Tenors & Basses:
             Oh dainty                          Oh dainty
             triolet! Oh                        tri-
             fragrant                           o-
             violet                             let!

All:         Oh dainty triolet!
             Oh fragrant violet!

(Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius heavily ironed, followed
             by Hildebrand)

                                  RECITATIVE

Gama:        Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?

Hildebd:                                              You must!

Gama:        This seems unnecessarily severe!
Arac, Guron
& Scyn:      Hear, hear!

                       TRIO - Arac, Guron and Scynthius

                              For a month to dwell
                              In a dungeon cell:
                                    Growing thin and wizen
                                    In a solitary prison,
                              Is a poor look out
                              For a soldier stout,
                                    Who is longing for the rattle
                                    Of a complicated battle--
                              For the rum - tum  - tum
                              Of the military drum
                                    And the guns that go boom! boom!

All:              The rum -- tum -- tum
                  Of the military drum,
                  Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum
                  Who is longing for the rattle of a complicated
                        battle--
                  For the rum tum tum
                  Of the military drum!
                  Prr, prr, prr, ra -- pum -- pum!

Hildebd:                When Hilarion's bride
                        Has at length complied
                              With the just conditions
                              Of our requisitions,
                        You may go in haste
                        And indulge your taste
                              For the fascinating rattle
                              Of a complicated battle--
                        For the rum - tum - tum,
                        Of the military drum,
                              And the guns that go boom! boom!

All:              The rum -- tum -- tum
                  Of the military drum,
                  Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum!
                        Who is longing for the rattle
                        Of a complicated battle
                  For the rum -- tum -- tum
                  Of the military drum!
                        Tum, prr -- prr -- prr ra -- pum, pum!

             But til that time you'll [we'll] here remain,
             And bail we [they] will not entertain,
             Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
             Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
             But till that time you'll [we'll] here remain,
             And bail we [they] will not entertain.
             Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
             Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
             Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
             Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!

                            (Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are marched off.)

                                 END OF ACT I

                                    ACT II

SCENE        Gardens in Castle Adamant.  A river runs across the
             back of the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge.  Castle
             Adamant in the distance.

             Girl Graduates discovered seated at the feet of Lady
                  Psyche

         CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Lady Psyche, Melissa and Sacharissa)
                        "Towards the empyrean heights"

Chorus:           Towards the empyrean heights
                        Of ev'ry kind of lore,
                  We've taken several easy flights,
                        And mean to take some more.
                  In trying to achieve success
                        No envy racks our heart,
                  And all the knowledge we possess,
                        We mutually impart.

                                SOLO -- Melissa

                  Pray, what authors should she read
                  Who in Classics would succeed?

                                SOLO -- Psyche

                  If you'd climb the Helicon,
                  You should read Anacreon,
                  Ovid's Metamorphoses,
                  Likewise Aristophanes,
                  And the works of Juvenal:
                  These are worth attention, all;
                  But, if you will be advised,
                  You will get them Bowdlerized!

Chorus:           Ah! we will get them Bowdlerized!

                              SOLO -- Sacharissa

                  Pray you, tell us, if you can,
                  What's the thing that's known as Man?

                                SOLO -- Psyche

                  Man will swear and man will storm--
                  Man is not at all good form--
                  Is of no kind of use--
                  Man's a donkey -- Man's a goose--
                  Man is coarse and Man is plain--
                  Man is more or less insane--
                  Man's a ribald -- Man's a rake,
                  Man is Nature's sole mistake!

Chorus:           We'll a memorandum make--
                  Man is Nature's sole mistake!

                  And thus to empyrean height
                        Of ev'ry kind of lore,
                  In search of wisdom's pure delight,
                        Ambitiously we soar.
                  In trying to achieve success
                        No envy racks our heart,
                  For all we know and all we guess
                        We mutually impart!
                  And all the knowledge we possess,
                        We mutually impart,
                        We mutually impart, impart.

(Enter Lady Blanche.  All stand up demurely)

Blanche:     Attention, ladies, while I read to you
             The Princess Ida's list of punishments.
             The first is Sacharissa.  She's expelled!

All:         Expelled!

Blan.:                  Expelled, because although she knew
             No man of any kind may pass our walls,
             She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!

Sach.:       (Crying)  I meant no harm; they're only men of wood!

Blan.:       They're men with whom you give each other mate,
             And that's enough!  The next is Chloe.

Chloe:                                                      Ah!

Blan.:       Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday,
             When looking through her drawing-book, I found
             A sketch of a perambulator!

All: (Horrified)                                      Oh!

Blan.:       Double perambulator ...

All:         Oh, oh!

Blan.:                              ...shameless girl!
             That's all at present.  Now, attention, pray;
             Your Principal the Princess comes to give
             Her usual inaugural address
             To those young ladies who joined yesterday.

                                CHORUS OF GIRLS
                        "Mighty maiden with a mission"

Girls:            Mighty maiden with a mission,
                        Paragon of common sense,
                  Running fount of erudition,
                        Miracle of eloquence,
                                        Altos:  We are blind and we would see;
Sops:             We are bound, and would be free;

Girls:            We are dumb, and we would talk;
                  We are lame, and we would walk.
                                                          (Enter the Princess)
                  Mighty maiden with a mission--
                        Paragon of common sense;
                  Running found of erudition--
                        Miracle of eloquence, of eloquence!

                         RECITATIVE & ARIA (Princess)
                            "Minerva! Oh, hear Me"

Princess:               Minerva! Minerva!
                        Oh, hear me:
                        Oh, goddess wise
                              That lovest light
                              Endow with sight
                        Their unillumin'd eyes.

                        At this my call,
                        A fervent few
                              Have come to woo
                        The rays that from thee fall,
                        That from thee fall.
                        Oh, goddess wise
                              That lovest light,
                              That lovest light,

             Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
             That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine!
             Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
             That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine,
             I may lead them to thy sacred shrine, thy sacred shrine!

Princess:    Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes--
             Who thirst for such instruction as we give,
             Attend, while I unfold a parable.
             The elephant is mightier than Man,
             Yet Man subdues him.  Why?  The elephant
             Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her
                  forehead),
             And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's
             As Woman's brain to Man's - (that's rule of three),--
             Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,
             As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.
             In Mathematics, Woman leads the way;
             The narrow-minded pedant still believes
             That two and two make four!  Why, we can prove,
             We women -- household drudges as we are--
             That two and two make five -- or three -- or seven;
             Or five and twenty, if the case demands!
             Diplomacy?  The wiliest diplomat
             Is absolutely helpless in our hands.
             He wheedles monarchs -- Woman wheedles him!
             Logic?  Why, tyrant Man himself admits
             It's a waste of time to argue with a woman!
             Then we excel in social qualities:
             Though man professes that he holds our sex
             In utter scorn, I venture to believe
             He'd rather pass the day with one of you,
             Than with five hundred of his fellow-men!
             In all things we excel.  Believing this,
             A hundred maidens here have sworn to place
             Their feet upon his neck.  If we succeed,
             We'll treat him better than he treated us:
             But if we fail, why, then let hope fail too!
             Let no one care a penny how she looks--
             Let red be worn with yellow -- blue with green--
             Crimson with scarlet -- violet with blue!
             Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves
             At inconvenient moments come undone!
             Let hair-pins lose their virtue: let the hook
             Disdain the fascination of the eye--
             The bashful button modestly evade
             The soft embraces of the button-hole!
             Let old associations all dissolve,
             Let Swan secede from Edgar -- Gask from Gask,
             Sewell from Cross -- Lewis from Allenby!
             In other words, let Chaos come again!
(Coming down)  Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day?

Blanche:     I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.
             There I propose considering, at length,
             Three points -- The Is, the Might Be, and the Must.
             Whether the Is, from being actual fact,
             Is more important than the vague Might Be,
             Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,
             Is for that reason greater than the Is:
             And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand
             Compared with the inevitable Must!

Princess:    The subject's deep -- how do you treat it, pray?

Blan.:       Madam, I take three possibilities,
             And strike a balance then between the three:
             As thus:  The Princess Ida Is our head,
             the Lady Psyche Might Be, -- Lady Blanche,
             Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must.
             Given these three hypotheses -- to find
             The actual betting against each of them!

Princess:    Your theme's ambitious: pray you bear in mind
             Who highest soar fall farthest.  Fare you well,
             You and your pupils!  Maidens, follow me.

                                                 [Exeunt Princess and maidens.
                                                           Manet Lady Blanche.

                        EXEUNT FOR PRINCESS IDA & GIRLS
                         "And thus to Empyrean Height"

Chorus:           And thus to empyrean height
                        Of ev'ry kind of lore,
                  In search of wisdom's pure delight,
                        Ambitiously we soar.
                  In trying to achieve success
                        No envy racks our heart,
                  For all we know and all we guess
                        We mutually impart!
                  And all the knowledge we possess,
                        We mutually impart,
                        We mutually impart, impart.

Blan.:       I should command here -- I was born to rule,
             But do I rule?  I don't.  Why?  I don't know.
             I shall some day.  Not yet, I bide my time.
             I once was Some One -- and the Was Will Be.
             The Present as we speak becomes the Past,
             The Past repeats itself, and so is Future!
             This sounds involved.  It's not.  It's right enough.

           (Since 1935 the following song has been usually omitted)
                              SONG (Lady Blanche)
                             "Come, mighty Must!"

Blanche:          Come mighty Must!
                        Inevitable Shall!
                  In thee I trust.
                        Time weaves my coronal!
                  Go, mocking Is!
                        Go, disappointing Was!
                  That I am this
                        Ye are the cursed cause!
                        Ye are the cursed cause!
                  Yet humble second shall be first,
                        I wean
                  And dead and buried be the curst
                        Has Been!

                  Oh, weak Might Be!
                        Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should!
                  How pow'rless ye
                        For evil or for good!
                  In ev'ry sense
                        Your moods I cheerless call.
                  Whate'er your tense
                        Ye are imperfect all.
                  Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown
                        In ye!
                  Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown
                        In ye!
                        I've shown in ye!
                  Away! The Mighty Must alone
                        Shall be!
                                                            [Exit Lady Blanche

[Enter Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian, climbing over wall, and creep-
             ing cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back of
             the stage.]

                      TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
                               "Gently, gently"

All:              Gently, gently,
                  Evidently
                        We are safe so far,
                  After scaling
                  Fence and paling,
                        Here, at last, we are!

Florian:          In this college,
                  Useful knowledge
                        Ev'rywhere one finds,
                  And already,
                  Growing steady,
                        We've enlarged our minds

Cyril:            We learnt that prickly cactus
                  Has power to attract us
                              When we fall.

All:                          When we fall!

Hilarion:         That nothing man unsettles
                  Like a bed of stinging nettles,
                              Short or tall.

All:                          Short or tall!

Florian:          That bull-dogs feed on throttles--
                  That we don't like broken bottles
                              On a wall.

All:                          On a wall!

Hilarion:         That spring-guns breathe defiance!
                  And that burglary's a science
                              After all!

All:                          After all!

Florian:          A Woman's college! maddest folly going!
                  What can girls learn within its walls worth
                        knowing?
                  I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it)
                  I'll teach them twice as much in half-an-hour
                        outside it.

Hilarion:         Hush, scoffer; ere you sound your puny thunder,
                  List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder!

                  They intend to send a wire
                              To the moon

Cyril &
Florian:                      To the moon;

Hilarion:         And they'll set the Thames on fire
                              Very soon

Cyril &
Florian:                      Very soon;

Hilarion:         Then they'll learn to make silk purses
                              With their rigs

Cyril &
Florian:                      With their rigs.

Hilarion:         From the ears of Lady Circe's
                              Piggy-wigs

Cyril &
Florian:                      Piggy-wigs.

Hilarion:         And weasels at their slumbers
                              They trepan

Cyril &
Florian:                      They trepan;

Hilarion:         To get sunbeams from cucumbers
                              They've a plan

Cyril
& Florian:                    They've a plan.

Hilarion:         They've a firmly rooted notion
                  They can cross the Polar Ocean,
                  And they'll find Perpetual Motion,
                              If they can

All:                          If they can.
                        These are the phenomena
                        That ev'ry pretty domina
                        Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.

                        These are the phenomena
                        That ev'ry pretty domina
                        Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!

Cyril:            As for fashion, they forswear it,
                              So they say

Hilarion &
Florian:                      So they say;

Cyril:            And the circle -- they will square it
                              Some fine day

Hilarion &
Florian:                      Some fine day;

Cyril:            Then the little pigs they're teaching
                              For to fly

Hilarion &
Florian:                      For to fly;

Cyril:            And the niggers they'll be bleaching,
                              By and by

Hilarion &
Florian:                      By and by!

Cyril:            Each newly joined aspirant
                              To the clan

Hilarion &
Florian:                      To the clan

Cyril:            Must repudiate the tyrant
                              Known as Man

Hilarion &
Florian:                      Known as Man.

Cyril:            They'll mock at him and flout him,
                  For they do not care about him
                  And they're "going to do without him"
                              If they can

All:                          If they can!

                  These are the phenomena
                  That ev'ry pretty domina
                  Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.

                  These are the phenomena
                  That ev'ry pretty domina
                  Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!

Hilarion:    So that's the Princess Ida's castle!  Well,
             They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires
             Such walls as those to keep intruders off!

Cyril:       To keep men off is only half their charge,
             And that the easier half. I much suspect
             The object of these walls is not so much
             To keep men off as keep the maidens in!

Florian:     But what are these?  (Examining some Collegiate robes)

Hilarion:    (looking at them)  Why, Academic robes,
             Worn by the lady undergraduates
             When they matriculate.  Let's try them on.  (They do
                  so.)
             Why, see -- we're covered to the very toes.
             Three lovely lady undergraduates
             Who, weary of the world and all its wooing -- (pose)

Florian:     And penitent for deeds there's no undoing -- (pose)

Cyril:       Looked at askance by well-conducted maids -- (pose)

All:         Seek sanctuary in these classic shades!

                      TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
                                "I am a maiden"

Hilarion:         I am a maiden, cold and stately,
                        Heartless I, with face divine.
                  What do I want with a heart, innately?
                        Every heart I meet is mine!
                        Every heart I meet is mine, is mine!

All:              Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
                        Little care I what maid may be.
                  So that a maid is fair to see,
                        Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

                                    (Dance)

Cyril:            I am a maiden, frank and simple,
                        Brimming with joyous roguery;
                  Merriment lurks in ev'ry dimple
                        Nobody breaks more hearts than I!
                        Nobody breaks more hearts, more hearts than I

All:              Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
                        Little care I what maid may be.
                  So that a maid is fair to see,
                        Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

                                    (Dance)

Florian:          I am a maiden coyly blushing,
                        Timid am I as a startled hind;
                  Every suitor sets me flushing,
                  Every suitor sets me flushing:
                        I am the maid that wins mankind!

All:              Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
                        Little care I what maid may be.
                  So that a maid is fair to see,
                        Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
                  Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
                        Little care I what maid may be.
                  So that a maid is fair to see,
                        Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

                        [Enter the Princess, reading.  She does not see them.)

Florian:     But who comes here?  The Princess, as I live!
             What shall we do?

Hilarion:    (Aside)  Why, we must brave it out!
             (Aloud)  Madam, accept our humblest reverence.

                   (They bow, then suddenly recollecting themselves, curtsey.)

Princess:    (Surprised)      We greet you, ladies.  What would you
                                    with us?

Hilarion:    (Aside to Cyril)
             What shall I say?  (Aloud)  We are three students,
                  ma'am,
             Three well-born maids of liberal estate,
             Who wish to join this University.

                (Hilarion and Florian curtsey again. Cyril bows extravagantly,
                        then, being recalled to himself by Florian, curtseys.)

Princess:    If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,
             And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well.

Florian:     To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe.

Princess:    You say you're noblewomen.  Well, you'll find
             No sham degrees for noblewomen here.
             You'll find no sizars here, or servitors,
             Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw
             A line 'twixt rich and poor; you'll find no tufts
             To mark nobility, except such tufts
             As indicate nobility of brain.
             As for your fellow-students, mark me well:
             There are a hundred maids within these walls,
             All good, all learned, and all beautiful:
             They are prepared to love you:  will you swear
             To give the fullness of your love to them?

Hilarion:    Upon our words and honours, Ma'am, we will!

Princess:    But we go further: Will you undertake
             That you will never marry any man?

Florian:     Indeed we never will!

Princess:                           Consider well,
             You must prefer our maids to all mankind!

Hilarion:    To all mankind we much prefer your maids!

Cyril:       We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, seeing how
             fair --

Hilarion:    (Aside to Cyril)  Take care -- that's rather strong!

Princess:    But have you left no lovers at your home
             Who may pursue you here?

Hilarion:                           No, madam, none.
             We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see,
             And we have never fished for lover's love.
             We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,
             False hair and meretricious ornament,
             To chain the fleeting fancy of a man,
             But do not imitate them.  What we have
             Of hair, is all our own.  Our colour, too,
             Unladylike, but not unwomanly,
             Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt
             To reckon Nature an impertinence.

Princess:    Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls;
             If all you say is true, you'll pass with us
             A happy, happy time!

Cyril:                              If, as you say,
             A hundred lovely maidens wait within,
             To welcome us with smiles and open arms,
             I think there's very little doubt we shall!

                QUARTET (Princess, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
                        "The World is But a Broken Toy"

Princess:         The world is but a broken toy,
                  Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy,
                        Unreal its loveliest hue,
                                    Alas!
                        Its pains alone are true,
                                    Alas!
                        Its pains alone are true.

Hilarion:         The world is ev'rything you say,
                  The world we think has had its day.
                        Its merriment is slow.
                                    Alas!
                        We've tried it, and we know,
                                    Alas!
                        We've tried it and we know.

All:              Unreal its loveliest hue,
                        Its pains alone are true,

Princess:                           Alas!

All:              The world is but a broken toy,
                  Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy,
                        Unreal its loveliest hue,
                                    Alas!
                        Its pains alone are true,
                                    Alas!
                        Its pains alone are true!

Florian:                Unreal its loveliest hue,

3 Men:                  Unreal its loveliest hue,

Princess:         Cyr. & Flor:      A-         Hilarion:    Un-
Un-                                 las!              real its loveliest hue
real---                             Alas!             Alas!
-----
---- its loveliest hue

All:         Alas!
             Alas!
             Its pains alone are true.

                           (Exit Princess.  The three Gentlemen watch her off.
                          Lady Psyche enters, and regards them with amazement)

Hilarion:    I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen!
             For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now,
             And maids against our will we must remain.
                                                         [All laugh heartily.]

Psyche:      (Aside)  These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.

                       (The gentlemen see her, and, in confusion, resume their
                                                            modest demeanour.)

Florian:     (Aside)  Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion!
             This is my sister! She'll remember me,
             Though years have passed since she and I have met!

Hilarion:    (Aside to Florian)  Then make a virtue of necessity,
             And trust our secret to her gentle care.

Florian:     (To Psyche, who has watched Cyril in amazement) 
             Psyche!  Why, don't you know me?  Florian!

Psyche:      (Amazed)  Why, Florian!

Florian:                            My sister!  (Embraces her)

Psyche:      Oh, my dear!  What are you doing here -- and who are
             these?

Hilarion:    I am that Prince Hilarion to whom
             Your Princess is betrothed.  I come to claim
             Her plighted love.  Your brother Florian
             And Cyril came to see me safely through.

Psyche:      The Prince Hilarion?  Cyril too?  How strange!
             My earliest playfellows!

Hilarion:                           Why, let me look!
             Are you that learned little Psyche who
             At school alarmed her mates because she called
             A buttercup "ranunculus bulbosus"?

Cyril:       Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who
             At children's parties, drove the conjuror wild,
             Explaining all his tricks before he did them?

Hilarion:    Are you that learned little Psyche, who
             At dinner parties, brought in to dessert,
             Would tackle visitors with "You don't know
             Who first determined longitude -- I do --
             Hipparchus 'twas -- B. C. one sixty-three!"
             Are you indeed that small phenomenon?

Psyche:      That small phenomenon indeed am I!
             But gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here:
             We have all promised to renounce mankind!

Florian:     Renounce mankind!?  On what ground do you base
             This senseless resolution?

Psyche:                             Senseless?  No.
             We are all taught, and, being taught, believe
             That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.

Cyril:       That's rather strong.

Psyche:                             The truth is always strong!

             SONG (Lady Psyche, with Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
                        "A Lady Fair, of Lineage High"

Psyche:           A Lady fair, of lineage high,
                  Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by.
                  The Maid was radiant as the sun,
                  The Ape was a most unsightly one,
                  The Ape was a most unsightly one--
                        So it would not do--
                        His scheme fell through,
                  For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,
                        Express'd such terror
                        At his monstrous error,
                  That he stammer'd an apology and made his 'scape,
                  The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

                  With a view to rise in the social scale,
                  He shaved his bristles and he docked his tail,
                  He grew mustachios, and he took his tub,
                  And he paid a guinea to a toilet club,
                  He paid a guinea to a toilet club--
                        But it would not do,
                        The scheme fell through--
                  For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen,
                        With golden tresses,
                        Like a real princess's,
                  While the Ape, despite his razor keen,
                  Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen!
                  He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
                  He crammed his feet into bright tight boots--
                  And to start in life on a brand-new plan,
                  He christen'd himself Darwinian Man!
                        But it would not do,
                        The scheme fell through--
                  For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,
                        Was a radiant Being,
                        With brain far-seeing--
                  While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd,
                  At best is only a monkey shav'd!

3 Men:            For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,

All:                    Was a radiant being,
                        With a brain far-seeing--
                  While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd,
                  At best is only a monkey shav'd!

                                 (During this, Melissa has entered unobserved;
                                                   she looks on in amazement.)

Melissa:     (Coming down)  Oh, Lady Psyche!

Psyche:      (Terrified)                  What!  You heard us then?
             Oh, all is lost!

Melissa:                            Not so!  I'll breathe no word!
                    (Advancing in astonishment to Florian)
             How marvelously strange! and are you then
             Indeed young men?

Florian:                            Well, yes, just now we are--
             But hope by dint of study to become,
             In course of time, young women.

Melissa:     (Eagerly)                          No, no, no --
             Oh, don't do that!  Is this indeed a man?
             I've often heard of them, but, till to-day,
             Never set eyes on one.  They told me men
             Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed!
             They are quite as beautiful as women are!
             As beautiful, they're infinitely more so!
             Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which
             One gets so weary of in womankind:
             Their features are more marked -- and -- oh, their
                  chins!
                           (Feeling Florian's chin)
             How curious!

Florian:                                  I fear it's rather rough.

Melissa:     (Eagerly)  Oh, don't apologize -- I like it so!

            QUINTET (Psyche, Melissa, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
                         "The Woman of the Wisest Wit"

Psyche:           The woman of the wisest wit
                        May sometimes be mistaken, O!
                  In Ida's views, I must admit,
                        My faith is somewhat shaken O!

Cyril:            On every other point than this
                        Her learning is untainted, O!
                  But Man's a theme with which she is
                        Entirely unacquainted, O!
                                    --acquainted, O!
                                    --acquainted, O!
                        Entirely unacquainted, O!

All:              Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
                  The truth is found -- the truth is found!
                  Set bells a-ringing through the air--
                  Ring here and there and ev'rywhere--

3 Men:            And echo forth the joyous sound,

All:              The truth is found -- the truth is found!

3 Men:            And echo forth the joyous sound,

All:              The truth is found -- the truth is found!
                  And echo forth the joyous sound,
                  The truth is found -- the truth is found!

                                    (Dance)

Melissa:          My natural instinct teaches me
                        (And instinct is important, O!)
                  You're ev'rything you ought to be,
                        And nothing that you oughtn't, O!

Hilarion:         That fact was seen at once by you
                        In casual conversation, O!
                  Which is most creditable to
                        Your powers of observation, O!
                                          -servation, O!
                                          -servation, O!
                        Your powers of observation, O!

All:              Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
                  The truth is found, the truth is found!
                  Set bells a-ringing through the air,
                  Ring here and there and ev'rywhere.

3 Men:            And echo forth the joyous sound,

All:              The truth is found -- the truth is found!

3 Men:            And echo forth the joyous sound,

All:              The truth is found -- the truth is found!
                  And echo forth the joyous sound,
                  The truth is found -- the truth is found!

                                  (Exeunt Psyche, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian,
                                                               Melissa going.)

                                                          (Enter Lady Blanche.

Blanche:     Melissa!

Melissa:     (Returning)  Mother!

Blanche:                            Here -- a word with you.
             Those are the three new students?

Melissa:     (Confused)                         Yes, they are.
             They're charming girls.

Blanche:                                  Particularly so.
             So graceful, and so very womanly!
             So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments!

Melissa:     (Confused)  Yes -- very skilled.

Blanche:                                  They sing so nicely too!

Melissa:     They do sing nicely!

Blanche:                                  Humph!  It's very odd.
             Two are tenors, one is a baritone!

Melissa:     (Much agitated)  They've all got colds!

Blanche:                      Colds!  Bah!  D'ye think I'm blind?
             These "girls" are men disguised!

Melissa:                                  Oh no -- indeed!
             You wrong these gentlemen -- I mean -- why, see,
             Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an
                  etui).
             Containing scissors, needles, and --

Blanche:     (Opening it)                       Cigars!
             Why, these are men!  And you knew this, you minx!

Melissa:     Oh, spare them -- they are gentlemen indeed.
             The Prince Hilarion (married years ago
             To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends!
             Consider, mother, he's her husband now,
             And has been, twenty years!  Consider, too,
             You're only second here -- you should be first.
             Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains
             The Princess Ida, why, you will be first.
             You will design the fashions -- think of that--
             And always serve out all the punishments!
             The scheme is harmless, mother -- wink at it!

Blanche:     (Aside)  The prospect's tempting!  Well, well, well,
                  I'll try --
             Though I've not winked at anything for years!
             'Tis but one step towards my destiny--
             The mighty Must! the inevitable Shall!

                        DUET (Melissa and Lady Blanche)
                   "Now Wouldn't you like to Rule the Roast"

Melissa:          Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast
                        And guide this University?

Blanche:                      I must agree,
                              'Twould pleasant be,
                                    (Sing hey, a Proper Pride!)

Melissa:          And wouldn't you like to clear the coast,
                        Of malice and perversity?

Blanche:                      Without a doubt,
                              I'll bundle 'em out,
                                    (Sing hey, when I preside!)

Both:             Sing hey!
                  Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some!
                  Sing marry, come up, and (my) her day will come!
                              Sing Proper Pride
                              Is the horse to ride,
                        And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

Blanche:          For years I've writhed beneath her sneers,
                        Although a born Plantagenet!

Melissa:                      You're much too meek,
                              Or you would speak
                                    (Sing hey, I'll say no more!)

Blanche:          Her elder I, by several years,
                        Although you'd ne'er imagine it.

Melissa:                      Sing, so I've heard
                              But never a word
                                    Have I e'er believ'd before!

Both:             Sing hey!
                  Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some!
                  Sing marry, come up, and her (my) day will come!
                              Sing, she shall learn
                              That a worm will turn.
                        Sing Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

                                                           (Exit Lady Blanche)

Melissa:     Saved for a time, at least!

                                                    (Enter Florian, on tiptoe)

Florian:     (Whispering)                       Melissa -- come!

Melissa:     Oh, sir! you must away from this at once--
             My mother guessed your sex!  It was my fault--
             I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed,
             "Can these be men?"  Then, seeing this, "Why these--"
             "Are men", she would have added, but "are men"
             Stuck in her throat!  She keeps your secret, sir,
             For reasons of her own -- but fly from this
             And take me with you -- that is -- no -- not that!

Florian:     I'll go, but not without you!  (Bell)  Why, what's
             that?

Melissa:     The luncheon bell.

Florian:                            I'll wait for luncheon then!

                                     (Enter Hilarion with Princess, Cyril with
                                        Psyche, Lady Blanche and ladies.  Also
                                  "Daughters of the Plough" bearing luncheon.)

                  CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Blanche and Cyril)
                       "Merrily Ring the Luncheon Bell"

Chorus:           Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
                  Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
                  Here in meadow of asphodel,
                  Feast we body and mind as well,
                  Merrily ring the luncheon

1st Sops:                           2nd Sops:
             bell! - - - ---              bell! Oh merrily
             Ring - - - ---               ring the luncheon
             oh, ---                      bell, Oh
             ring, - - - ---              merrily, merrily, merrily,
             Oh, ---                      merrily

Chorus:           Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon bell!

Blanche:                      Hunger, I beg to state,
                              Is highly indelicate.
                        This is a fact profoundly true,
                        So learn your appetites to subdue.

All:                                            Yes, yes,
             We'll learn our appetites to subdue!

Cyril:                  Madam, your words so wise,
                        Nobody should despise,
                  Curs'd with appetite keen I am
                              And I'll subdue it--
                              And I'll subdue it--
                  I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!

All:                                      Yes -- yes--
             We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!
                  Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
                  Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
                  Oh

1st Sops:    ring! - - - ---        2nd Sophs:        merrily, merrily,
             Oh,                                      merrily, merrily

Chorus:           Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon bell!

Princess:    You say you know the court of Hildebrand?
             There is a Prince there -- I forget his name --

Hilarion:    Hilarion?

Princess:               Exactly -- is he well?

Hilarion:    If it be well to droop and pine and mope,
             To sigh "Oh, Ida! Ida!" all day long,
             "Ida! my love! my life!  Oh, come to me!"
             If it be well, I say, to do all this,
             Then Prince Hilarion is very well.

Princess:    He breathes our name?  Well, it's a common one!
             And is the booby comely?

Hilarion:                                 Pretty well.
             I've heard it said that if I dressed myself
             In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this
             Consisted with my maiden modesty),
             I might be taken for Hilarion's self.
             But what is this to you or me, who think
             Of all mankind with undisguised contempt?

Princess:    Contempt?  Why, damsel, when I think of man,
             Contempt is not the word.

Cyril:       (Getting tipsy)              I'm sure of that,
             Or if it is, it surely should not be!

Hilarion:    (Aside to Cyril)  Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find us
             out.

Cyril:       The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad!

Princess:    You know him then?

Cyril:       (Tipsily)                    I rather think I do!
             We are inseparables!

Princess:                                 Why, what's this?
             You love him then?

Cyril:                                    We do indeed -- all three!

Hilarion:    Madam, she jests!  (Aside to Cyril)  Remember where you
                  are!

Cyril:       Jests?  Not at all!  Why, bless my heart alive,
             You and Hilarion, when at the Court,
             Rode the same horse!

Princess:    (Horrified)            Astride?

Cyril:                                    Of course!  Why not?
             Wore the same clothes -- and once or twice, I think,
             Got tipsy in the same good company!

Princess:    Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word!

Cyril:       (Tipsy)  Don't you remember that old kissing-song
             He'd sing to blushing Mistress Lalage,
             The hostess of the Pigeons?  Thus it ran:

                                 SONG (Cyril)
                       "Would you know the Kind of Maid"

                                  (During symphony Hilarion and Florian try to
                                     stop Cyril.  He shakes them off angrily.)

Cyril:            Would you know the kind of maid
                        Sets my heart aflame-a?
                  Eyes must be downcast and staid,
                        Cheeks must flush for shame-a!
                              She may neither dance nor sing,
                              But, demure in everything,
                              Hang her head in modest way,
                              With pouting lips, with pouting lips that
                                    seem to say,
                  "Oh kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
                        Though I die of shame-a!"
                  Please you, that's the kind of maid
                        Sets my heart aflame-a!
                  "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
                        Though I die of shame-a!"
                  Please you, that's the kind of maid
                        Sets my heart aflame-a!

                  When a maid is bold and gay,
                        With a tongue goes clang-a,
                  Flaunting it in brave array,
                        Maiden may go hang-a
                              Sunflow'r gay and holly-hock
                              Never shall my garden stock;
                              Mine the blushing rose of May,
                              With pouting lips, with pouting lips that
                                    seem to say,
                  "Oh kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
                        Though I die for shame-a!"
                  Please you, that's the kind of maid
                        Sets my heart aflame-a!
                  "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
                        Though I die of shame-a!"
                  Please you, that's the kind of maid
                        Sets my heart aflame-a!

Princess:    Infamous creature, get you hence away!

                         (Hilarion, Who has been with difficulty restrained by
                         Florian during this song, breaks from him and strikes
                                               Cyril furiously on the breast.)

Hilarion:    Dog!  There is something more to sing about!

Cyril:       (Sobered)  Hilarion, are you mad?

Princess:    (Horrified)  Hilarion?  Help!
             Why, these are men!  Lost! lost! betrayed, undone!
                                                        (Running on to bridge)
             Girls, get you hence!  Man-monsters, if you dare
             Approach one step, I --- Ah!
                                 (Loses her balance and falls into the stream)

Psyche:                                         Oh!  Save her, sir!

Blanche:     It's useless, sir -- you'll only catch your death!
                                                        (Hilarion springs in.)

Sach.:       He catches her!

Melissa:                            And now he lets her go!
             Again she's in his grasp--

Psyche:                             And now she's not,
             He seizes her back hair!

Blanche:     (Not looking)          And it comes off!

Psyche:      No, no!  She's saved!--she's saved! she's saved!--she's
                  saved!

                                FINALE, ACT II
             (Princess, Hildebrand, Melissa, Lady Psyche, Blanche,
             Cyril, Hilarion, Florian, Arac, Guron, Scynthius and
             Chorus of Girls and Men )

                         "Oh Joy! our Chief is Sav'd"

Girls:            Oh joy! our chief is sav'd
                        And by Hillarion's hand;
                              The torrent fierce he brav'd,
                        And brought her safe to land!
                              For his intrusion we must own
                              This doughty deed may well atone!

Princess:               Stand forth ye three,
                        Who-e'er ye be,
                  And hearken to our stern decree!

Cyril, &
Florian:     Have mercy, O Lady           Hilarion:
                                                      Have
             disregard your                           Mer--
             oaths!                                   cy!

Princess:         I know not mercy, men in women's clothes!
                        The man whose sacrilegious eyes
                        Invade our strict seclusion, dies.
                        Arrest these coarse intruding spies!

                          (They are arrested by the "Daughters of the Plough")

Girls:            Have mercy, O lady -- disregard your oaths.

Princess:         I know not mercy, men in women's clothes!

                                                   (Cyril & Florian are bound)

                               SONG -- Hilarion

Hilarion:         Whom thou has chain'd must wear his chain,
                        Thou canst not set him free,
                  He wrestles with his bonds in vain
                        Who lives by loving thee!
                  If heart of stone for heart of fire,
                        Be all thou hast to give,
                  If dead to my heart's desire,
                        Why should I wish to live?

Cyr & Flo:   Have                         Girls:      Have
             mercy, O                                 Mer-
             lady!                                    cy!

Hilarion:         No word of thine -- no stern command
                        Can teach my heart to rove,
                  Then rather perish by thy hand,
                        Than live without thy love!
                  A loveless life apart from thee
                        Were hopeless slavery,
                        Were hopeless slavery,
                  If kindly death will set me free,
                        Why should I fear to die?

Girls:            Have mercy!

Hilarion:         If kindly death

Girls:            Have mercy!

Hilarion:                           will set me free,
                  If kindly death will set me free,
                        Why should I fear,
                        Why should I fear to die?

(He is bound by two of the attendants, the three gentlemen are
             marched off.)

(Enter Melissa)

Melissa:          Madam, without the castle walls
                        An armed band
                  Demand admittance to our halls
                        For Hildebrand!

All:                          Oh, horror!

Princess:         Deny them!
                  We will defy them!

All:                    Too late -- too late!
                        The castle gate
                  Is battered by them!

(The gate yields. Soldiers rush in. Arac, Guron, and Scynthius are
             with them, but with their hands handcuffed.
 
Men:              Walls and fences scaling,
                        Promptly we appear;
                  Walls are unavailing,
                        We have enter'd here.
                  Female exaceration.
                        Stifle if you're wise.
                  Stop your lamentation,
                        Dry your pretty, pretty

Girls:            Rend the air with wailing.          Men:  eyes!
                        Shed the shameful tear!
                  Man has enter'd here.
                        Walls are unavailing.

Girls:     Rend the             Men:    Walls and
           air                          fences
           with                         scaling,
           wail------                   Promptly we appear;
           ----------                   Walls are unavailing.
           ing.                         We have enter'd here.
           Shed                         Female exe-
           the                          cration.
           shame-                       Stifle if
           ful tear!                    you're wise.
           Man                          Stop your lament-
           has                          ation,
           en-                          Dry your pret-
           ter'd                        ty
           here!                        eyes. O
           Walls are                    stop your
           un-                          lament-
           a-                           ation, 
           vail-                        Dry your pretty pretty
           ing.                         eyes! Female exe-
           Man                          cration. Stifle
           has                          if you're
           en-                          wise.  Stop your lament-
           ter'd                        ation, Dry your pretty
           here!                        eyes.

                              (Enter Hildebrand)

                                  RECITATIVE

Princess:         Audacious tyrant, do you dare
                  To beard a maiden in her lair?

Hildebd:                Since you inquire,
                        We've no desire
                  To beard a maiden here, or anywhere!

Soldiers:               No, no. We've no desire
                  To beard a maiden here or anywhere!

                              SOLO -- Hildebrand

Hildebd:          Some years ago,
                  No doubt you know
             (And if you don't I'll tell you so)
                  You gave your troth
                  Upon your oath
             To Hilarion my son.
                  A vow you make
                  You must not break,
             (If you think you may, it's a great mistake),
                  For a bride's a bride
                  Though the knot were tied
                        At the early age of one!
                              And I'm a peppery kind of King,
                              Whose indisposed for parleying
                              To fit the wit of a bit of chit,
                              And that's the long and the short of it!

Soldiers:               For he's a peppery kind of King,
                        Whose indisposed for parleying
                        To fit the wit of a bit of chit,
                        And that's the long and the short of it!

Hildebd:                If you decide
                        To pocket your pride
                  And let Hilarion claim his bride,
                        Why, well and good,
                        It's understood
                  We'll let bygones go by--
                        But if you choose
                        To sulk in the blues
                  I'll make the whole of you shake in your shoes.
                        I'll storm your walls,
                        And level your halls,
                              In the winking of an eye!
                              For I'm a peppery Potentate,
                              Who's little inclined his claim to bate,
                              To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,
                              And thats the long and the short of it!

Soldiers:               For he's a peppery Potentate,
                        Whose indisposed for parleying,
                        To fit the wit of a bit of chit,
                        And that's the long and the short of it!

                        TRIO -- Arac, Guron & Scynthius

All 3:            We may remark, though nothing can
                                    Dismay us,
                  That if you thwart this gentleman,
                                    He'll slay us.
                  We don't fear death, of course -- we're taught
                                    To shame it;
                  But still upon the whole we thought
                                    We'd name it.
(To each other)
Scynthius:        Yes!

Guron:            Yes!

Arac:             Yes!

All 3:            Better p'r'aps to name it.

                  Our interests we would not press
                                    With chatter,
                  Three hulking brothers more or less
                                    Don't matter;
                  If you'd pooh-pooh this monarch's plan
                                    Pooh-pooh it,
                  But when he says he'll hang a man,
                                    He'll do it.
(To each other)
Scynthius:        Yes!

Guron:            Yes!

Arac:             Yes!

All 3:            Devil doubt he'll do it.

Princess:         Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind,
                  His menaces are idle as the wind.
                  He dares not kill you -- vengeance lurks behind!

3 Knights:        We rather think he dares, but never mind!

Hildebd:    I                       3 Knights:
            rather                        No!
            think I                       No!
            dare, but                     No!
            never, never mind!            never never mind!
            Enough of               
                                          No,
            parley                        no,
                                          never nev-
            as a                          er
            spe-                          mind!
            cial  
                                          No!
            boon.                         no! never, never mind!
            We give you till tomorrow
            afternoon;


Hildebd:          Release Hilarion, then,
                  And be his bride
                  Or you'll incur the guilt of fratricide!

Princess:         To yield at once to such a foe
                        With shame we're rife;
                  So quick! away with him, although
                        He sav'd my life!
                  That he is fair, and strong, and tall
                  Is very evident to all,
                  Yet I will die,
                  Yet I will die, before I call myself his

Princess:                     All Others:
     wife! - ---                  Oh, yield at once, 'twere better so,
     - - - ---                    Than risk a strife!
                                  And let the Prince Hilarion go.
                                  He Saved thy life!
     That                         Hi-
     he is                        la-rion's
     fair and                     fair,
     strong and                   and
     tall,                        strong and tall,
     tall,                        
     Is - - - - -
     - - - - - -                  A
     very                         worse mis-
     evi-                         for-
     dent to                      tune
     all,                         might befall.
     Yet
     I will                       It's
     die, will die before I call  not so dreadful after all,
     Myself his wife!             To be his wife!
     Though I am but a girl
     Defiance thus I hurl
     Our banners all
     On outer wall
     We fearlessly unfurl

(The Princess stands, surrounded by girls kneeling.  Hildebrand and
     soldiers stand on built rocks at back and sides of stage. 
     Picture.)


                                 END OF ACT II                                    ACT III

SCENE -- Outer Walls and Courtyard of Castle Adamant.  Melissa,
             SachaRissa, and ladies discovered, armed with
             battleaxes.

                                    CHORUS
                            "Death to the Invader!"

Chorus:           Death to the invader!
                        Strike a deadly blow,
                  As an old Crusader
                        Struck his Paynim foe!
                              Let our martial thunder
                              Fill his soul with wonder,
                              Tear his ranks asunder,
                                    Lay the tyrant low!
                  Death to the invader!
                        Strike a deadly blow,
                  As an old Crusader
                        Struck his Paynim foe!

Melissa:          Thus our courage, all untarnish'd,
                        We're instructed to display;
                  But to tell the truth unvarnish'd,
                        We are more inclined to say,
                  "Please you, do not hurt us,"

All:                    "Do not hurt us, if it please you!"

Melissa:          "Please you let us be."

All:                    "Let us be -- let us be!"

Melissa:          "Soldiers disconcert us."

All:                    "Disconcert us, if it please you!"

Melissa:          "Frighten'd maids are we!"

All:                    "Maids are we, maids are we!"

Melissa:          Please you,

All:                    Do not hurt us;

Melissa:          Please you,

All:                    Let us be.

Mel & Cho:        Frighten'd maids are we, frighten'd maids are we!

Melissa:          But 'twould be an error
                  To confess our terror,
                  So in Ida's name,
                  Boldly we exclaim:

Mel & Cho:        Death to the invader!
                        Strike a deadly blow,
                  As an old Crusader
                        Struck his Paynim foe!

(Flourish.  Enter Princess, armed, attended by Blanche and Psyche.)

Princess:    I like your spirit, girls!  We have to meet
             Stern bearded warriors in fight to-day;
             Wear naught but what is necessary to
             Preserve your dignity before their eyes,
             And give your limbs full play.

Blanche:                            One moment, ma'am,
             Here is a paradox we should not pass
             Without inquiry.  We are prone to say
             "This thing is Needful -- that, Superfluous"--
             Yet they invariably co-exist!
             We find the Needful comprehended in
             The circle of the grand Superfluous,
             Yet the Superfluous cannot be brought
             Unless you're amply furnished with the Needful.
             These singular considerations are--

Princess:    Superfluous, yet not Needful -- so you see
             The terms may independently exist.
(To Ladies)       Women of Adamant, we have to show
             That women, educated to the task,
             Can meet Man, face to face, on his own ground,
             And beat him there.  Now, let us set to work;
             Where is our lady surgeon?

Sach.:                                    Madam, here!

Princess:    We shall require your skill to heal the wounds
             Of those that fall.

Sach.:       (Alarmed)        What, heal the wounded?

Princess:                                             Yes!

Sach.:       And cut off real live legs and arms?

Princess:                                 Of course!

Sach.:       I wouldn't do it for a thousand pounds!

Princess:    Why, how is this?  Are you faint-hearted, girl?
             You've often cut them off in theory!

Sach.:       In theory I'll cut them off again 
             With pleasure, and as often as you like,
             But not in practice.

Princess:                           Coward!  Get you hence,
             I've craft enough for that, and courage too,
             I'll do your work!  My fusiliers, advance!,
             Why, you are armed with axes!  Gilded toys!
             Where are your rifles, pray?

Chloe:                              Why, please you, ma'am,
             We left them in the armoury, for fear
             That in the heat and turmoil of the fight,
             They might go off!

Princess:                     "They might!"  Oh, craven souls!
             Go off yourselves!  Thank heaven I have a heart
             That quails not at the thought of meeting men;
             I will discharge your rifles!  Off with you!
                                                                  (Exit Chloe)
             Where's my bandmistress?

Ada:                          Please you, ma'am, the band
             Do not feel well, and can't come out today!

Princess:    Why, this is flat rebellion!  I've no time
             To talk to them just now. But, happily,
             I can play several instruments at once,
             And I will drown the shrieks of those that fall
             With trumpet music, such as soldiers love!
             How stand we with respect to gunpowder?
             My Lady Psyche -- you who superintend
             Our lab'ratory -- are you well prepared
             To blow these bearded rascals into shreds?

Psyche:      Why, madam--

Princess:                     Well?

Psyche:                             Let us try gentler means.
             We can dispense with fulminating grains
             While we have eyes with which to flash our rage!
             We can dispense with villainous saltpetre
             While we have tongues with which to blow them up!
             We can dispense, in short, with all the arts
             That brutalize the practical polemist!

Princess:    (Contemptuously)       I never knew a more dispensing
                                          chemist!
             Away, away -- I'll meet these men alone
             Since all my women have deserted me!

                                  (Exeunt all but Princess, singing refrain of
                                    "Please you, do not hurt us", pianissimo.)

Princess:    So fail my cherished plans -- so fails my faith--
             And with it hope, and all that comes of hope!

                                Song - Princess
                             "I Built upon a Rock"

Princess:         I built upon a rock,
                        But ere Destruction's hand
                              Dealt equal lot
                              To Court and cot,
                        My rock had turn'd to sand!
                  I leant upon an oak,
                        But in the hour of need,
                              Alack-a-day,
                              My trusted stay
                        Was but a bruis-ed reed!
                        A bruis-ed reed!
                              Ah faithless rock,
                              My simple faith to mock!
                              Ah trait'rous oak,
                              Thy worthlessness to cloak,
                              Thy worthlessness to cloak!

                  I drew a sword of steel
                        But when to home and hearth
                              The battle's breath
                              Bore fire and death,
                        My sword was but a lath!
                  I lit a beacon fire,
                        But on a stormy day
                              Of frost and rime,
                              In wintertime,
                        My fire had died away,
                        Had died away!
                              Ah, coward steel,
                              That fear can un-anneal!
                              False fire indeed,
                              To fail me in my need,
                              To fail me in my need!

(Princess Sinks upon a rock.  Enter Chloe and all the Ladies)

Chloe:       Madam, your father and your brothers claim
             An audience!

Princess:               What do they do here?

Chloe:                                          They come
             To fight for you!

Princess:               Admit them!

Blanche:                                        Infamous!
             One's brothers, ma'am, are men!

Princess:                                 So I have heard.
             But all my women seem to fail me when
             I need them most.  In this emergency,
             Even one's brothers may be turned to use.

Gama:        (Entering, pale and unnerved)  My daughter!

Princess:               Father!  Thou art free!

Gama:                                           Aye, free!
             Free as a tethered ass!  I come to thee
             With words from Hildebrand.  Those duly given
             I must return to blank captivity.
             I'm free so far.

Princess:                     Your message.

Gama:                                           Hildebrand
             Is loth to war with women.  Pit my sons,
             My three brave sons, against these popinjays,
             These tufted jack-a-dandy featherheads,
             And on the issue let thy hand depend!

Princess:    Insult on insult's head!  Are we a stake
             For fighting men?  What fiend possesses thee,
             That thou has come with offers such as these
             From such as he to such an one as I?

Gama:        I am possessed
             By the pale devil of a shaking heart!
             My stubborn will is bent.  I dare not face
             That devilish monarch's black malignity!
             He tortures me with torments worse than death,
             I haven't anything to grumble at!
             He finds out what particular meats I love,
             And gives me them.  The very choicest wines,
             The costliest robes -- the richest rooms are mine.
             He suffers none to thwart my simplest plan,
             And gives strict orders none should contradict me!
             He's made my life a curse!  (Weeps)

Princess:                                       My tortured father!

                     SONG (King GAMA with CHORUS of GIRLS)
                              "Whene'er I Spoke"

Gama:             Whene'er I poke
                  Sarcastic joke
                        Replete with malice spiteful,
                  This people mild
                  Politely smil'd,
                        And voted me delightful!

                  Now, when a wight
                  Sits up all night
                        Ill-natur'd jokes devising,
                  And all his wiles
                  Are met with smiles
                        It's hard, there's no disguising!

             Ah!  Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
             When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
             And isn't your life extremely flat
             With nothing whatever to grumble at!

Chorus:      Oh, isn't your life extremely flat
             With nothing whatever to grumble at!

Gama:                   When German bands
                        From music stands
                  Play'd Wagner imperfectly --
                        I bade them go--
                        They didn't say no,
                  But off they went directly!
                        The organ boys
                        They stopp'd their noise,
                  With readiness surprising,
                        And grinning herds
                        Of hurdy-gurds
                  Retired apologising!
             Ah! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
             When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
             And isn't your life extremely flat
             With nothing whatever to grumble at!

Chorus:      Oh, isn't your life extremely flat
             With nothing whatever to grumble at!

Gama:                   I offer'd gold
                        In sums untold
                  To all who'd contradict me--
                        I said I'd pay
                        A pound a day
                  To any one who kick'd me--
                        I've brib'd with toys
                        Great vulgar boys
                  To utter something spiteful,
                        But, bless you, no!
                        They would be so
                  Confoundedly politeful!

             Ah! In short, these aggravating lads,
             They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,
             They give me this and they give me that,
             And I've nothing whatever to grumble at!

Chorus:      Oh, isn't your life extremely flat
             With nothing whatever to grumble at!

                         (Gama Bursts into tears and falls sobbing on a seat.)

Princess:    My poor old father!  How he must have suffered!
             Well, well, I yield!

Gama:        (Hysterically)  She yields!  I'm saved, I'm saved!         (Exit)

Princess:    Open the gates -- admit these warriors,
             Then get you all within the castle walls.                  (Exit)

              (The gates are opened and the Girls mount the battlements as the
                       Soldiers enter.  Arac, Guron and Scynthius also enter.)

                              Chorus of Soldiers
                         "When anger spreads his wing"

Chorus:           When anger spread his wing,
                        And all seems dark as night for it,
                        There's nothing but to fight for it,
                  But ere you pitch your ring,
                        Select a pretty site for it,
                        (This spot is suited quite for it,)
                  And then you gaily sing,
                  And then you gaily sing:

                  "Oh I love the jolly rattle
                  Of an orde-al by battle,
                  There's an end of tittle-tattle
                        When your enemy is dead.
                  It's an arrant molly-coddle
                  Fears a crack upon his noddle
                  And he's only fit to swaddle
                        In a downy feather-bed!

Ladies:   For a               Soldiers:   Oh, I
          fight's                         love the
          a                               jolly
          kind                            rattle
          of                              Of an
          thing                           orde-al by battle
          That I                          There's an
          love                            end of
          to                              tittle
          look                            tattle,
          up-                             When your
          on,                             enemy is dead.
          So                              It's an
          let                             arrant
          us                              molly-
          sing,                           coddle
          Long                            Fears a
          live                            crack upon
          the                             his
          King,                           noddle,
          And his                         And he's
          son                             only fit to
          Hi-                             swaddle, In a
          la-                             downy fea-
          ri-on!                          ther bed!

                                (During this, Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril are
                                 brought out by the "Daughters of the Plough".
                                      They are still bound and wear the robes.
                                                                  Enter GAMA.)

Gama:        Hilarion!  Cyril!  Florian!  dressed as women!
             Is this indeed Hilarion?

Hilar.:                                   Yes, it is!

Gama:        Why, you look handsome in your women's clothes!
             Stick to 'em!  Men's attire becomes you not!
(To CYRIL and FLORIAN)  And you, young ladies, will you please to pray
             King Hildebrand to set me free again?
             Hang on his neck and gaze into his eyes,
             He never could resist a pretty face! 

Hilar.:      You dog, you'll find, though I wear woman's garb,
             My sword is long and sharp!

Gama:                                     Hush, pretty one!
             Here's a virago!  Here's a termagant!
             If length and sharpness go for anything,
             You'll want no sword while you can wag your tongue!

Cyril:       What need to waste your words on such as he?
             He's old and crippled.

Gama:                                     Aye, but I've three sons,
             Fine fellows, young and muscular, and brave,
             They're well worth talking to!  Come, what d'ye say?

Arac:        Aye, pretty ones, engage yourselves with us,
             If three rude warriors affright you not!

Hilar.:      Old as you are, I'd wring your shrivelled neck
             If you were not the Princess Ida's father.

Gama:        If I were not the Princess Ida's father,
             And so had not her brothers for my sons,
             No doubt you'd wring my neck -- in safety too!
             Come, come, Hilarion, begin, begin!
             Give them no quarter -- they will give you none.
             You've this advantage over warriors
             Who kill their country's enemies for pay,--
             You know what you are fighting for -- look there!
                                       (Pointing to Ladies on the battlements)

                      (Exit Gamma.  Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril are led off.)

                   SONG (Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus)
                           "This Helmet, I Suppose"

Arac:             This helmet, I suppose,
                  Was meant to ward off blows,
                        It's very hot
                        And weighs a lot,
                  As many a guardsman knows,
                  As many a guardsman knows,
                  As many a guardsman knows,
                  As many a guardsman knows,
                  So off, so off that helmet goes.

Others:                 Yes, yes, yes,
                  So off that helmet goes!

                                          (Giving their helmets to attendants)

Arac:             This tight-fitting cuirass
                  Is but a useless mass,
                        It's made of steel,
                        And weighs a deal,
                  This tight-fitting cuirass
                  Is but a useless mass,
                  A man is but an ass
                  Who fights in a cuirass,
                  So off, so off goes that cuirass.

Others:                 Yes, yes, yes,
                  So off goes that cuirass!
                                                          (Removing cuirasses)

Arac:             These brassets, truth to tell,
                  May look uncommon well,
                        But in a fight
                        They're much too tight,
                  They're like a lobster shell,
                  They're like a lobster shell!

Others:                 Yes, yes, yes,
                  They're like a lobster shell.
                                                     (Removing their brassets)

Arac:             These things I treat the same
                            (indicating leg pieces)
                  (I quite forget their name.)
                        They turn one's legs
                        To cribbage pegs--
                  Their aid I thus disclaim,
                  Their aid I thus disclaim,
                  Though I forget their name,
                  Though I forget their name,
                  Their aid, their aid I thus disclaim!

Others:                 Yes, yes, yes,
All:              Their aid (we/they) thus disclaim!

(They remove their leg pieces and wear close-fitting shape suits.)

                      Enter Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril

                      (Desperate fight between the three Princes and the three
                       Knights, during which the Ladies on the battlements and
                         the Soldiers on the stage sing the following chorus):

                            CHORUS DURING THE FIGHT
                              "This is our Duty"

Chorus:           This is our duty plain towards
                        Our Princess all immaculate,
                  We ought to bless her brothers' swords,
                        And piously ejaculate:
                              Oh, Hungary!
                              Oh, Hungary!
                        Oh, doughty sons of Hungary!
                              May all success
                              Attend and bless
                        Your warlike ironmongery!

                  Hilarion! Hilarion! Hilarion!

                                 (By this time, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius are
                                 on the ground, wounded -- Hilarion, Cyril and
                                                     Florian stand over them.)

Princess:    (Entering through gate and followed by Ladies,
                  Hildebrand, and Gama.)
             Hold! stay your hands! -- we yield ourselves to you!
             Ladies, my brothers all lie bleeding there!
             Bind up their wounds -- but look the other way.
             (Coming down) Is this the end?  (Bitterly to Lady
Blanche)
             How say you, Lady Blanche--
             Can I with dignity my post resign?
             And if I do, will you then take my place?

Blanche:     To answer this, it's meet that we consult
             The great Potential Mysteries;  I mean
             The five Subjunctive Possibilities--
             The May, the Might, the Would, the Could, the Should.
             Can you resign?  The Prince May claim you; if
             He Might, you Could -- and if you Should, I Would!

Princess:    I thought as much!  Then to my fate I yield--
             So ends my cherished scheme!  Oh, I had hoped
             To band all women with my maiden throng,
             And make them all abjure tyrannic Man!

Hildebd:     A noble aim!

Princess:                     You ridicule it now;
             But if I carried out this glorious scheme,
             At my exalted name Posterity
             Would bow in gratitude!

Hildebd:                                                   But pray reflect --
             If you enlist all women in your cause,
             And make them all abjure tyrannic Man,
             The obvious question then arises, "How
             Is this Posterity to be provided?"

Princess:    I never thought of that!  My Lady Blanche,
             How do you solve the riddle?

Blanche:                                  Don't ask me --
             Abstract Philosophy won't answer it.
             Take him -- he is your Shall.  Give in to Fate!

Princess:    And you desert me.  I alone am staunch!

Hilarion:    Madam, you placed your trust in Woman -- well,
             Woman has failed you utterly -- try Man,
             Give him one chance, it's only fair -- besides,
             Women are far too precious, too divine,
             To try unproven theories upon.
             Experiments, the proverb says, are made
             On humble subjects -- try our grosser clay,
             And mould it as you will!

Cyril:                                    Remember, too
             Dear Madam, if at any time you feel
             A-weary of the Prince, you can return
             To Castle Adamant, and rule your girls
             As heretofore, you know.

Princess:                                 And shall I find
             The Lady Psyche here?

Psyche:                                   If Cyril, ma'am,
             Does not behave himself, I think you will.

Princess:    And you Melissa, shall I find you here?

Melissa:     Madam, however Florian turns out,
             Unhesitatingly I answer, No!

Gama:        Consider this, my love, if your mama
             Had looked on matters from your point of view
             (I wish she had), why where would you have been?

Blanche:     There's an unbounded field of speculation,
             On which I could discourse for hours!

Princess:                                 No doubt!
             We will not trouble you.  Hilarion,
             I have been wrong --  I see my error now.
             Take me, Hilarion -- "We will walk this world
             Yoked in all exercise of noble end!
             And so through those dark gates across the wild
             That no one knows!"  Indeed, I love thee -- Come!

                                    Finale
                              "With joy abiding"

Princess:         With joy abiding,
                  Together gliding
                        Through life's variety,
                        In sweet society,
                  And thus enthroning
                  The love I'm owning,
                  On this atoning
                        I will rely!

Chorus:           It were profanity
                  For poor humanity
                  To treat as vanity
                        The sway of Love.
                  In no locality
                  Or principality
                  Is our mortality
                        It's sway above!

Hilarion:         When day is fading,
                  With serenading
                        And such frivolity
                        Of tender quality--
                  With scented showers
                  Of fairest flowers,
                  The happy hours
                        Will gaily fly!
                  The happy hours will gaily fly!

Chorus:           It were profanity
                  For poor humanity
                  To treat as vanity
                        The sway of Love.
                  In no locality
                  Or principality
                  Is our mortality
                        It's sway above!

1st Sops:    In no lo-                    Others:
             cality Or princi-            Its
             pality Is our mor-                 sway
             tality It's sway a-                a-
             bove!                              bove!

Princess &   With scented           Others:
Hilarion:    showers Of fairest                 Its
             flowers, The happy                 sway
             hours will gaily                   a-
             fly!                               bove!

All:         In no locality
             Or principality
             Is our mortality
             Above the sway of love!


                                    Curtain